Going back to work today was overwhelming. I was feeling better until I got there and got going. My anxiety kept growing and it finally peaked and I was making an exit plan. “I’ve got to get out of here.” I thought. During my work I came across this quote in some required work related reading I was doing. I don’t know what the hell it had to do with what I was reading. No connection I could make. However, it was the most important thing that I learned today. I thought about how it related to me and decided I couldn’t leave work. If I did, I might as well never come back. I’ve had a rough couple of days. Peak of anxiety and it’s physical manifestations for about 48 hours. I’m not the type of person to gain strength from a clichéd quote but it admittedly changed my mindset. Maybe the first time that’s ever happened. The only way to regain my sanity and take control of how I was feeling was to keep going onward with my life. I couldn’t let the way I was feeling dictate my life for a second longer. I forced myself to stay at work and be consumed by the anxiety. It was hell. I got so overwhelmed that I walked out once and sat down for about 4 or 5 minutes to just clear my head. I learned how to cope again. I forced myself to play under pressure. I’m not feeling myself just yet because it’s came through in waves but I can say that I feel better right at this moment than I have in about 3 days.
It’s more than what I’ve been going through the last couple days. This quote really resonates with me. No matter what life throws at you, you can’t let it be a roadblock. You have to go around, climb over or bulldoze through things standing in front of you and keep moving. I’m way too strong of a man to put my life on hold for a bump in the road. Unless you’ve had serious anxiety or panic attacks, you’re going to discount what it will do to your mind and body. Everyone does. But I know what it’s like, but I also know what it takes to overcome. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
What they call love is a risk
Cause you will always get hit out of nowhere
By some wave
And end up on your own
Play Crack The Sky, Jesse Lacey, Andy Hull & Kevin Devine
Live at Looney Tunes, NY, 2008
Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice.
My kinda partner.
Take the time to talk a minute. You know, de-escalate the situation.
See that's some new spiritual bullshit my partner's on. Me? I actually prefer shootin' mothafuckas!
Mike, the man has a gun to my head.
I bet he'll put it down if I put a hollow point in his eye, now won't he?!
Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and give you a warning, that's the best I can fucking do for all of ya. Okay? He's crazy. He has emotional anger issue problems. He goes to bed early for this shit. Just to wake up to pop one in a mothafucka.
We ride together, we did together. Bad boys for life. Me and my brothers.
My anxiety has returned—full force. When I was younger, I used to consistently have anxiety attacks so frequently that it was just a part of every day life for me. I used to get so anxious that I would vomit on almost a daily basis. But it got so routine for me that it was to a point where I owned my own anxiety and could take control and dismiss the panic pretty quickly.
Fast forward several years. Yes, years. I don’t recall really having an anxiety attack or at least nothing more than something very isolated for a very long time. I’ve had a lot of stress packed on me this summer. Everything from small day ruiner type things to large life changer type things and everything in between. It seems like it’s been one thing after another for several months. My anxiety seems worse than it ever was before. But that could be because I had developed ways to cope before and I’ve lost those methods over time. It’s like having my first anxiety attack all over again. But I can’t let things get the way they were before. I was unable to function and live a normal life. There is no room for that anymore. I have way too much going on now. I have to get a handle on things and take control of the way I feel. I already know how debilitating this has been to me in the past.
You said you hate my suffering,
and you understood
and you’d take care of me,
you’d always be there;
so where are you now?
I felt i was on fire with the things i could have told you.
I just assumed you eventually would ask.
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are things you get ashamed of, because words make them smaller. When they were in your head they were limitless; but when they come out they seem to be no bigger than normal things. But that’s not all. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried; they are clues that could guide your enemies to a prize they would love to steal. It’s hard and painful for you to talk about these things … and then people just look at you strangely. They haven’t understood what you’ve said at all, or why you almost cried while you were saying it.
And I ran off and ran on to something
That I swore was everything but beautiful
I only say that word for you